Today, I’d like to talk about a sensitive subject: self-acceptance. I’m not leaving in a utopic world thinking; I’m the only one having complexes. We all do! And women, in general, tend to feel more concerned than men. How many times, I heard my girlfriends say I don’t like my nose, my boobs are too small, my arms are too big, etc. For me, my problem is my weight.
I recall perfectly when this absurd figures obsession started. I was 15/16 years old. My mom was complaining about her weight, sometimes, but nothing too serious. However, I had that one friend who was a calorie control freak. She was aiming to be a model and was ready to do whatever she could to lose 5 kilos. When I think of it now; which manager ask a 16-year-old girl to lose 5 kilos? She was always talking about her weight. She was “FAT”- not true at all! Then she started minding my weight business saying I have a big butt, my thighs are big and so on. This is how it all began!
The obsessive years
When I turned 19, I went crazy. I was asking my sisters and my friends constantly if I was losing weight, I was training like a freak, and I was restricting myself. Eating wasn’t a pleasure anymore. To make matters worse, my dad would mock me if I was eating a pizza, bread or ice cream. He was food police! My mom felt sorry for me and tried her best to help. By the way, food police was on her back too.
The nightmare lasted 2/3 years, and I surrendered.
The better days
After all that unnecessary pressure, I decided to work on myself, on my confidence. Why was I so obsessed with my weight? My biggest mistake was waiting for others’ recognition. I never looked at myself through my own eyes.
On November 2017, I lost a lot of weight in a short period. I was then diagnosed with Graves’ disease, hyperthyroidism. The Universe has a weird sense of humor. For the first time in my life, I was sad being so skinny. Basically, I was stuck home, in pain, with a blurry mind. I couldn’t do anything by myself. Going to the bathroom was like running a marathon. My heart was beating so fast. It was incredible.
I took my meds very carefully, I went to all my endocrinologist appointments, and I gained back the weight. I was healthy! Do you really think the Universe is leaving you alone? Of course not, she has to make sure the lesson is learned! So a friend who never dared to come to visit told me: “Be careful Tracy, your arms are getter bigger”. The icing on the cake is my dad. He says and I quote: “You gained so much weight, I almost didn’t recognize you” or “Jessy (my 15-year-old sister) your sister is fat now, she used to be your size”. Boom!!! I was devasted. I was looking at myself in the mirror with hatred for my reflection. It lasted a few days. I was down, but I remembered I promised God I would never complain about my weight ANYMORE!
As of today…
It isn’t always easy. I noticed I tend to focus on my weight when I have things hard in my life. Nevertheless, I don’t want that to ruin my happiness anymore. My motto: me first! I say no to body shaming and social pressure. I exercise. When I’m tired, I rest. I eat healthy. Some days I treat myself to a chocolate croissant. One thing is obvious, I refuse to drive myself crazy. I love my reflection in the mirror. I’m actually working on these haters called PMS. And Voilà! That’s what matters.
Thank you for reading,
ps: I’m sure I’m not alone so please share your story in the comments.
Bisous bisous Tracy,